Paper in Your Anus Hair

In the post heard round the world Les Digits gave us the now famous “paper in your anus hair” analogy. It got me to thinking about the FAP (free agent pool), among other things. All the super helpful websites say super helpful things like “think about picking up Rudy Fernandez” or “Zach Randolf is worth watching”. Awesome. So, if you’ve got paper in your anus hair, this is for you: a spastic analysis of the PR2K FAP.

The Unsexy
The long overdue pickup of Vlad Rad points to the fact that, far more than ever, managers have been looking for the next breakout player. Speculation has been the rule, not solid, proven numbers. Following Radmonovic, Keith “Sweat” Bogans was quickly picked up. And I think The Spoonful is right to assume that Desmond Mason, Flip Murray, Maurice Evans, Jarvis Hayes, and Jason Kapono cannot be far behind. As real teams settle into their real grooves these consistent, but not sexy players are becoming more attractive.

The Unloved
By my extremely unreliable count there’s an unprecedented13.5 starters available who are apparently not worth owning. Deshawn Stevenson, Batum, and the bad Brewer “have been discussed previously”. C.J. Miles, Ronnie Price, and Jared Dudley should never be discussed again. Bruce Bowen is even more worthless than ever. There are a good number of mediocre starting centers that aren’t owned, which surprises me a little given the center-centric format of our league. Kurt Thomas, Mikki Moore, and Erick Dampier are no worse than many of the players that are owned. Aaron “Silver Spoons” Gray is interesting. All the hype going into the season was about “You’ve Gotta Be” Joakim Noah, yet Gray continues to start and log decent minutes. Johan Petro sucks so bad I need a new word for “sucks”. I wish Mongoose would pick him up already. But ultimately, none of these guys is worth the time it took you to read this.

There are, however, a couple of guys who are worth watching. First there’s Dahntay Jones. He’s started all three games in the post cornrow era in Denver. 10/2/1 (avg) is not a very sexy line, but he’s getting some burn.

Juan Dixon has ousted “Papa Smurf” in Washington. But Portland fans know all about his frustratingly mediocre play. Ironically he had his best line of the year coming off the bench (10/8/11). His next game and first as a starter he logged (as in doo doo log) 3/2/3. phooey.

Yuck.

That leaves us with guys coming off the bench. Instead of looking for the next Monta Ellis, we’d be thrilled to find the next Leandro Barbosa. Who is going to get it done in 15-20 minutes a night? Again, speculative drafting and pickups have already thinned out the FAP considerably.

The Unclean
There are several players who were once stars or were on their way that nobody wants to touch, apparently. We’re all thinking, “If I own that guy, he’ll be the bees in my pants.” Ricky Buckets and Wally Z both still have game, and one has to think that they’ll get minutes and make something of them at some point. This seems like a good point to remember Marbury, Tinsley, and even Stupid-Antoine-Walker-Garbage-Face. They might resurrect their careers, but I’m not holding my breath. Joe “#1 overall pick” Smith has never lived up to the hype, but has been a consistent big for the last several seasons. He seems to be getting more playing time and eclipsing Collywobbles, Wilcox, and Petro in the managements good graces. He’s worth watching. The captain of the unclean team is Adam “The Great White Avalanche” Morrison. He was so fun to watch in college, but couldn’t adjust to the NBA game, being a guard type player in an awkward, gangly forward’s body. It’s possible that he’ll break out in his sophomore year. It seems that he’s at least being given the chance to prove himself.

The Un-evitable
There are several guys who are one guaranteed injury away from positively blowing up. The inevitability of it makes these guys super attractive. The most obvious of these is Renaldo Balkman and his nose. He had a nice little game the other night (12/6/1 with 2 steals) and only needs K-mart or Nene to go down in order to make it big. It would seem that it’s just a matter of time. Likewise, Robin Lopez, the handsomer twin, had a good game (14/7 with 2 blocks) in Shaq’s absence. When Shaq misses his traditional month or two “Sideshow Rob” will be huge, what with other teams worrying about Amare. Then there’s my main man Marreese Speights. If and when Brand and/or Dalembert go down, he’ll step up. Bobby “Not That Bobby” Brown is already making a move on the incompetent Beno Udrih. With a new 33 million dollar contract, you gotta figure the management is gonna ride Udrih til the end, but his lackluster play and seeming injury proneness open the breach. All these guys are on the bubble as it is, with significant upside when the starters fall. The question is whether they’re worth the gamble right now.

The Unnoticed
In this morass of mediocrity and unfulfilled hopes, there is a guy who is getting it done right now. Little ole Brevin Knight is averaging 6/2/6 on the year and 6/2/7 with 2 steals in his last three games. He’s a pass first point guard in Jerry Sloan’s pass first world, and is getting serious minutes off the bench. If and when Deron Williams returns, I don’t anticipate Knight’s role changing much. I think, rather, that Ronnie Price disappears into poo-gatory. Knight has always been injury prone, but as a 2nd string pg, he’s not being asked to do too much. I think he’ll perform well all season and provide the occasional stellar line.

To close, there’s one deep sleeper I’ve got my eye on. Since we always over-own and over-love our Trailblazers, it’s only a matter of time before someone picks up the dreamy Sergio Rodriguez. He’s averaging something like 72 assists per 48 minutes. If Nate finds him some more playing time (and I think he must), Rodriguez is going to give us all boners.

In conclusion, we are at a turning point where the surprise, immediate impact players have all been snarfed up. And rather than gambling on finding the next one, the sure, yet mediocre players are becoming more attractive. The classic thenopp strategy of picking up the hot hand while waiting for something better to come up has its appeal, too. With minor injuries starting to crop up, Devon Harris and Tony Parker, for example, there are always going to be guys who are good for a week or two, if you are willing to have a revolving door on the bottom of your roster. I’ve obviously left out all the players that have “been discussed previously” and now that I’ve written this unenlightening tract, it’s clear that they continue to be the ones to watch.